I was drawn in by a YouTube video of Misty Edwards talking about the Love of God. I joined FITN and consecrated myself to encountering the Bridegroom. It was not long before I realized ihop was less about love, and more a dooms day cult. However, they dangled the love of God as carrot I could earn. so I gave myself fully to the calling of being an Anna! At that time, I saw myself as someone who struggled with same sex attraction, so I also did pure heart and living waters. Sister [leader] caused me more damage than I can ever articulate. She taught me that my family was to blame for me being gay. So I stopped talking to them. I was encouraged to cut off anyone who wasn’t an Ihopper, and I did just that. Soon after, I started having panic attacks, Sister insisted these were “the lord changing me.” My anxiety was at an all time high at the inability to become straight, all of this amplified by the call to “be ready he’s coming.” But I kept doing the process! Then came the awakening. I went up to the alter to receive my miracle of heterosexuality, and god finally met me there. I heard an internal voice speak to me, “why would I change you? I love who I’ve made.” My cognitive dissonance was raging! After so many years of Sister in my head, I couldn’t just accept these beautiful words I had heard as “from god.” But these words were the first moments of PEACE I had felt in years. So I did what anyone would’ve done, I left the awakening and lost my virginity to a man on Craigslist.lol When you’re taught to repress your true self for so long, In an extreme environment that constantly reminds you “be ready or burn,” things eventually boil over. Covered in shame, I resorted back to the only thing I knew, Sister [leader]. I told her everything. The very next day, I was fired from every position I held at IHOP. One of those was as a leader for the Awakening Teen Camp. Soon after, I remember a teen approaching me at service one day to see how I was doing. One of the leaders of ATC watched every second of the exchange and hovered over me like I was a predator. At this point I felt I had no place at IHOP, so Sister decided to send me to rehab. I had smoked weed a couple of times, in an effort to help with ihop anxiety. I did not need to go to rehab! However, as IHOP had taught me to cut everyone out of my life that wasn’t an Ihopper, and then abandoned me when I had a gay experience, what choice did I have? Rehab was AMAZING! I encountered people that loved me for me, and I wasn’t constantly blasted with “end times.” I started to realize how much light I had within me, and how IHOP had systematically dimmed me down to nothing through the years. I started to see a ray of hope. It’s taken 10 years to really heal from IHOP. They told me I’d never find love, I’d never be happy or satisfied, if I stepped away from my calling as an Anna. You don’t just easily shake off those years of shame and conditioning. If we are to judge a ministry by its fruit, how should we judge ihop? Read all these stories and tell me, has ihop yielded good fruit?
- Intern/ Student/ Staff2007-2011